The madness of Albus Dumbledore
by tinhead
Summary: and Sevvie. And Potty. What happens when 2 enemies find out something real bad that includes both of them? Random humour - enjoy :P


Just a random story – mainly for my sister who won't stop bugging me...  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Professor Dumbledore sat in his office, incredibly bored.  
  
"What am I going to do today, Fawkes?" he asked the Phoenix. "Alas, Voldie poo hasn't even sent me an owl!" he chuckled at his lame excuse for a joke, and Fawkes rolled his eyes, if that was even possible for a Phoenix to do.  
  
Suddenly, Dumbledore shot out of his chair in a burst of inspiration.  
  
"ALAS!" he exclaimed to the ceiling "I HAVE FOUND IT!!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
Severus Snape was stirring a brown, softly simmering liquid in his favourite cauldron and practising his speech to terrify tomorrow's first years.  
  
"You'd better watch your back, who knows when I could accidently spill some of this poison into your pumpkin juice" he sneered to the wall.  
  
No, no, it still wasn't right. Too long winded. Maybe he could just find some extra twirly midnight-black robes and sneer at a few students. Yes he wanted it to be perfect, not overdone. Like the saying "too many potions masters spoil the polyjuice." Of course, he'd rather be the only one making that polyjuice. Some dunderhead might mess it up otherwise.  
  
He finished mixing his hot chocolate and stared at it, wondering what to do. He started humming softly. Humming soon turned into la-la-la-ing louder. Severus la-la-ed for a bit longer, and then burst out into song.  
  
"I was working in the lab late one night  
  
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight  
  
For my monster from his slab began to rise  
  
And suddenly to my surprise" he started to dance.  
  
"He did the mash!  
  
He did the monster mash!  
  
The monster mash!  
  
It was a graveyard smash!  
  
He did the mash!  
  
It caught on in a flash!  
  
He did the mash!  
  
He did the monster mash!"  
  
Severus started on the 2nd verse of the Monster Mash, now fully in the groove, dude.  
  
"From my laboratory in the castle east...north,  
  
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast  
  
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes  
  
To get a jolt from my electrodes  
  
They did the mash!  
  
They did the monster mash!  
  
The monster mash!  
  
It was a graveyard smash!  
  
They did the mash!  
  
It caught on in a flash!  
  
They did the mash!  
  
They did the monster mash!  
  
The zombies were having fun  
  
The party had just begun  
  
The guests included Wolf Man  
  
Dracula and his son  
  
The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds  
  
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds  
  
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive  
  
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"!  
  
They played the mash!  
  
They played the monster mash!  
  
The monster mash!  
  
It was a graveyard smash!  
  
They played the mash!  
  
It caught on in a flash!  
  
They played the mash!  
  
They played the monster mash!  
  
Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring  
  
Seems he was troubled by just one – AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
Severus stopped dancing and fell over in a state of shock. He was entitled to be shocked, for Albus Dumbledore's head had just appeared in the fireplace.  
  
Severus stood up quickly, hoping that he had not been seen dancing to that delightful – er, I mean atrocious – muggle song.  
  
"Yes, Headmaster?" he asked cooly.  
  
"Ah, yes, Severus, alas. Meet me in my office in about 10 minutes? Alas, I'm afraid it's terribly urgent!"  
  
Severus looked uncomfortable "Of course Albus. Er – you didn't happen to see what was happening before you came did you?"  
  
Dumbledore looked confused. "Alas, I only saw you sitting on the floor. What happened?"  
  
"Oh – er – nothing really."  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "Alright Severus. I will see you in 10 minutes, alas."  
  
With a pop, he disappeared from the fireplace and tumbled back into his office.  
  
Straightening up he grinned at Fawkes. "Heh heh heh, Fawkes" he cackled evilly "Alas, what excellent blackmail material..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter was very VERY nervous. He was in the room of requirement, about to say something that he thought he'd never say. Well, at least to this person.  
  
*OK, here goes* he thought to himself.  
  
"Um, Ginny." He stuttered "I have something to tell you. Im – er – im – I like you kinda. I mean no I – er – ah shit!"  
  
He banged his head on the wall that was imaginary Ginny.  
  
"ARGH what am I gonna SAY?!"  
  
After he had composed himself. He looked at the wall apprehensively. "Ginny, will you er – gotathaballwimme?" He banged his head on the wall again. "Crap, I'm no good at this. I can't even say it to a WALL."  
  
He slumped down in defeat.  
  
"Harry Potter sir!" Harry looked up to see Dobby in front of him. "Professer Dumbledore sends Dobby to tell Harry Potter that he wishes to see him in his office in 10 minutes!" he squeaked.  
  
"Uh, sure Dobby, thanks!"  
  
"Dobby is pleased, sir, to be carrying a message of such importance to the great Harry Potter!"  
  
"Yeah, I guess I better go then. I'll come and visit you soon Dobby!"  
  
"Oh, Harry Potter, sir, that would do Dobby a great honour!"  
  
"Anytime, Dobby!"  
  
He sprinted out of the room, eager to get away from the House Elf.  
  
When he arrived at Dumbledore's office, after establishing that the password was 'Skittles', he found a very annoyed Professor Snape pacing the room.  
  
Harry just rolled his eyes at the glaring and grumpy Potions Master, who's left eye started twitching.  
  
Professor Dumbledore then chose to make an entrance.  
  
"Ah, Severus, Harry – you're both here. Good, good - alas." Severus glared. He wanted to get back to his Monster Mash – he so rudely interrupted halfway through the song.  
  
"What is it Albus?"  
  
"Please, sit down, alas."  
  
Severus sat.  
  
"I have a matter of grave importance to inform you about, alas. Recently I have just discovered some files. These files are, alas, very...interesting. They are concerning both of you, alas." Dumbledore said.  
  
*What would he have to do with me the greasy slime ball/ idiot Gryffindor.* Harry and Severus thought.  
  
"Alas yes – I have them here, alas. You may see them, alas."  
  
The now thouroughly pissed off Severus and Harry leaned over to look at the paper.  
  
If only Dumbledore would shut up with his 'alas' business. He didn't even make sense half of the time.  
  
On the piece of paper was a family tree. Two names were highlighted.  
  
Harry Potter and Severus Snape.  
  
They stared at the paper, then at eachother.  
  
"WHAT?!" the two rivals screeched, in ear-piercing harmony.  
  
They stared at eachother a few more minutes, before each finally came to a conclusion.  
  
"You never ever mention this to anyone else! EVER!" they said in unison, then glared at eachother.  
  
Dumbledore chuckled.  
  
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY YOU SCREWED-UP ALAS-MAN!" Snape shrieked  
  
Dumbledore just chuckled even more.  
  
"SHUT THE F#%* UP AND TELL US WHAT YOU FIND SO HILARIOUS!" Harry screamed.  
  
Dumbledore got his chuckles under control (damn things – he'd have to put them on dog leashes next time), but his eyes still glittered with amusement.  
  
"Alas, you two won't be able to forget about this whole thing. Severus, alas, you are his long lost Uncle. Alas, that means by law you must take him into your home, alas! Harry, alas, from now until you finish your schooling, you must live with Severus! Alas, alas!"  
  
Harry and Severus stood their, mouths opening and closing, not knowing what to do.  
  
Finally, after 5 minutes of fish-like behaviour, they both let out blood- curdling screams, which echoed around the entire castle.  
  
Then they crashed to the floor in a dead faint.  
  
Dumbledore cracked up laughing. He was rolling around on the floor for some time, before finally wiping the tears from his eyes.  
  
"Alas! I haven't had so much fun since T-Rexie and I convinced the stegosaurus that his spines were purple, alas! And that was a couple of million years ago, alas!"  
  
Then he sighed "Alas, I'm beginning to feel quite middle-aged, alas..."  
  
Then he looked at the still forms of Severus and Harry. "Alas, yes, I forgot about them. Heh heh heh wait til they find out it's not true, alas!"  
  
He opened his office door and called out "Poppy! Alas! Alas! Poppy Alas! Alas Poppy! Poopy! Haha I mean POPPY!"  
  
Madam Pomfrey came running. "Oh my poor Potty Wotty and Snapesie Wapesie, look at them. They must be dreadfully tired. I must get them to the Hospital Wing!"  
  
She levitated them, and walked out of the office.  
  
Dumbledore smiled happily as she left. "Alas, Fawkes, I must do that again some time, Alas alas. What fun that was, alas. Now, where did I put those Skittles, alas?"  
  
~*~*~THE END~*~*~  
  
Yes, I know – extremely pointless and random. If anyone doesn't get my humour, it's probably cos I'm an Aussie and your not. If you're an Aussie and you still don't get my humour, it's probably cos I'm an Aussie drummer. That excuses all craziness...  
  
N for all those TE fans (heh – like 4) chapter 11 will be up SOON!! So don't worry be happy *skips off singing*  
  
Bye! *waves* 


End file.
